I can remember a time, when my children were young, and it was the week for High Council speakers at church some of the people I knew would refer to it at "dry council" Sunday. We would all laugh and go to church, spending most of the Sacrament meeting time trying to keep our kids occupied and/or quiet. I always felt so blessed as mine for the most part were very reverent. Good thing, as I had my hands full keeping Brooke Anne from totally disrupting the meeting. We had wonderful wards though and she was accepted just as she is.
Anyway- today was High Council day. I am now in the stage of life where I thoroughly enjoy these men and the wisdom and love and inspiration with which they speak. Both speakers talked about agency; choice; and how these gifts shape our lives. I took notes (I actually do that now quite often at church as was suggested by our Stake President a few months ago) and as I listened and jotted my thoughts down, I had an epiphany- which I will share in a minute.
First of all I want to share some of what was said. Regarding choice-choice, or agency, is a gift that we were given not only in this life, but even before we came here. Lucifer was not cast out because of his plan, but rather he "chose" to rebel when his plan was rejected by the Father. On the other hand, Jesus "chose" to be the Savior. He was not forced- He chose. I don't think I ever quite looked at it in that light before. Then all of us "chose" which path we would take. In the scriptures we are taught that God will force no soul to Heaven... God is deeply serious about human joy and He has given us all we need to make righteous choices; the Holy Ghost, our families, prayer, the scriptures... many tools are at our hands. Yet agency is not an easy thing.. we refer to those first choices as the "war in Heaven"- and as such, we are fighting our own war here each day as make choices... some minor every day choices and some choices with eternal consequences.
The second speaker talked about the three "R's" of choice: 1- Right of choice- we were all given the right to make our own choices... it is an unconditional gift. 2- Responsibility- with this gift comes great responsibility to make clear, righteous choices if we want to return to Heavenly Father. 3- Results- each choice comes with it's results or consequences. Analogy- a stick is like choice and consequence...you cannot pick up just one end of it, once you pick it up you are stuck with both the choice and the consequence. Some consequences may require hard work to overcome, repentance. Some consequences will bring eternal joy.
So anyway, as I said- in the midst of these talks and writing down my thoughts, I had this epiphany. I have long lamented that choices made by others took away my choices. I felt cheated- specifically when Donovan and Kris made their choices and it completely changed the path of my life and the lives of my children. As I have worked through this over the years, I have tried to live the best I can and yet no matter what I felt like I had failed at the most important duty we are given... family and marriage. Oh I knew that I could still live the gospel and even have found joy beyond what I ever imagined...I have long forgiven them and accept that I will always love them both... I just couldn't shake this niggling feeling of failure. Then today, like a beautiful flower slowly opening, or a cloud lighting up with beautiful colors, my mind and heart were filled with this message. Yes- others made choices that affected my life- but I CAN still choose the right myself and by doing so, I have not failed. I can't really begin to put into words how this message came to me ... it was like a gentle, yet soul shaking carress or whispered shout.... direct spirit to spirit communication from Heavenly Father to me. Even now as I type this I have tears welling up as my heart and spirit swell again with confirmation and I hear the sounds of the song "All is Well" from a CD Mike gave me when we got engaged. I wish I could put that song on my playlist here, but alas it is not offered in the program (at least I can't find it). I have not felt this, this magnitude of spirit communication since I was in the temple and was given answers regarding Brooke Anne. Here I am, this very common, everyday person... and yet God has blessed me with these magnanimous moments of comfort, joy and answered some of my deepest questions and fears. "And All is Well"....
So now I carry this into my everyday life and I have some choices to make. First of all I am choosing to work even harder on forgiving, to pray more ferventy and more often and for my own spirit as well as for those who I have worked to forgive. I am going to express my gratitude more deeply and more often for the people in my life that bring such joy and love and blessings.... And. I am choosing to get over my feelings of failure and accept myself as I am... "And All is Well"
In closing tonight- I just have to mention the love and joy I have with Jim. I love him- with all he has to suffer and go through, he is amazing. His love for me and my children fills me with gratitude.... especially his love and acceptance for Brooke Anne. She loves him so...... "And All is Well"....
Posted by a soul humbled and grateful for the love of Heavenly Father and Jesus and all I have been blessed with.
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