Forgiving and Forgetting - a work in progress

So, I promised myself to blog every Sunday and here I am not prepared with any fun pictures or anything.... but I have been thinking a lot about the hard work involved in forgiving and forgetting. Through scripture research, soul search, prayer and much pondering and referring to the wise words of Bill McKee (my wonderful friend and counselor) I came to realize the following.
First of all- forgiving does not mean condoning or accepting the behavior of another. I was stuck for a long time thinking if I forgave the ones who had so deeply betrayed and hurt me and my children that I was somehow letting myself and my sense of truth and righteousness down. Looking at it now, I am amazed what a grip the adversary had on my heart - through trickery and using my own sense of right and wrong. Also- it is not necessary to wait for an apology (that may never come) to forgive someone. And it is true- after diligently seeking and praying to forgive I did finally reach a point where there is peace in my heart. I have learned to pray in love and compassion for those who I needed to forgive. I found it is impossible to harbor anger and hurt towards someone I was praying for. I have been blessed with the ability to accept that I love these people regardless of all that happened and I am a much happier person because I have accepted that.
This may seem simple to a lot of people, but when you are in the midst of despair and pain, you can loose sight of the simple principles. It is at these times we need to lean heavily on the love of our Savior and Heavenly Father in order to work through it all.
Next- forgetting doesn't mean "forgetting" . I was really stuck on this one... I mean, how do you forget? The way we forget is by learning to live well in spite of the pain or betrayal. We forget by not holding onto the anger and hurt. Yes, these experiences, this pain will always be a part of who we are, but we can live beyond the bad stuff by taking stock of the joy and all the blessings we are granted. This came to me in a sweet moment of personal revelation and it was as though a great weight lifted off my shoulders. My heart sang with joy when I found that I could forgive and that I could forget in the sense of living my life as well as I possibly can.
Now- once I achieved my goal to forgive I thought I was home free... oh so wrong! Forgiving is a continual work in progress. It is easy to let a moment of doubt or a perceived slight send you spiraling right back down into pain and despair...and resentment. The first time it hit me (after thinking I had finally been able to forgive and move on)- my heart sank and I despaired that I was somehow doomed to be this sad-angry-hurt person forever. Then again, through prayer and beseeching the Lord, I found the sweet sense of forgiveness and realized that just because you overcome or accomplish something once doesn't mean you can fall back and let that carry you. Being Christ-like, being a person of joy and love and forgiveness is something that takes constant work, dedication and a lot of "self-talk"... as Bill used to say, "change the tape in your head"... and believe me, that old Satan will constantly hammer at those tender spots in your heart and spirit-I can go along for a year or so thinking I'm in this great place and WHAM!- something happens that brings it all boiling up again- these are the times I turn to Heavenly Father on my knees asking for His forgiveness and guidance so I can find my peace again.... and I am reminded of one of my favorite songs that says--- we should be more gentle with ourselves- accept that we are on a mortal journey and when we slip a little, the hand of the Savior is just a prayer away.
Finally, I know that I want to live with joy and I want to deserve the forgiveness and compassion of others towards me, and to achieve that how can I myself not be forgiving and compassionate towards others? And so my goal in life is to be a "bringer of joy" and to extend love (and forgiveness when necessary) to all. After all- we are all God's children- yes? It's up to Him to judge- up to us to love.
Bye til next week! :)