And Life Goes On

So, it's been 51 days since my last post! ((Whew!!))  And so much has happened it is hard to put it all in words- but I will try. 

Things got really busy in April... after I got home from my visit with Donnie, Katie and the boys it was rehearsal rehearsal rehearsal time with the Boise Master Chorale.  We had two absolutely fabulous concert performances the 15th & 16th.  We did the music of Carmina Burana with the Boise Philharmonic Orchestra, the College of Idaho choir, and a children's choir from Opera Idaho, along with 3 professional soloists.  I can't think of any other time that I was involved in such an exciting, soul moving concert.  It was breathtaking!

A few nights before the concerts, however, I received news that my dear Grandma Clark was probably getting close to the end of her days.  My first thought was to forego participating in the concerts and rush to be by her side, but after assurances from my sister (Susan) who had been living with Grandma the last year and half, I decided to go early the morning of the 17th.  

I had a very interesting, spiritual experience with this concert- as my heart, prayers and thoughts were with my grandma, I felt her near me and decided to dedicate my own performance to her in gratitude for all she has done and been for me.  I was able to stand for each performance (in the last year I have had to sit for part of my concerts due to hip/back pain) and when I started to feel like I couldn't stand, I felt my Grandma's spirit there holding and supporting me. 

 

As I was traveling to be with Grandma, there was a bit of complication... My aunt and uncle (George & Ann Lane) who have been looking after her affairs for several years, were making things a little confusing... who should stay, who we should or should not talk to about her condition... it was rather upsetting, but I'm sure everyone was trying to do what they thought best.  After Grandma got sick with an infection, Aunt Ann decided she was too sick to have solids and because she was so unsteady, Ann also decided she should be kept in her bed.    The first few days were really hard-  Grandma kept asking for food and asking to get up- so Susan and I would give her a little bit of milk or juice (she could only handle a swallow or two).  We explained to Grandma that she was very weak and we were afraid she would fall again if she tried to get up.    Gradually, she weakened more and seemed content to be in bed with us taking turns sitting with her. 

We shared some very tender, spiritual moments with her.   She was seeing and talking with people from the other side of the veil, so we knew her time was very close.  She shared her love and appreciation for each of us- and we with her.  When I told her she was my lifelong angel and she saved me all my life, she smiled and remarked, "I think Grandpa had a lot to do with that.  He always knew you were special- from the time you were a baby and was determined to teach you that."  (And he did)-  At one point, she turned to me, holding my hand, and said, "I think I'm going on a journey aren't I?"-  I replied, "Yes you are Grandma, a wonderful, beautiful journey where you will be loved, you will be happy and you will be well."

I wept as I said this to her- because I selfishly wanted so bad for her to stay longer.  But I also know that she so deserved the rest and peace and joy she would find.     She passed on April 27th around 9:30 AM.   As I watched her take her last couple of breaths, through the sadness and tears, I felt a strong, peaceful spirit surrounding all of us in the room.
  It was definitely what one would describe as a "bittersweet" moment.  Oh, Grandma, how I love and how I am missing you!!!   

For the funeral Grandma and I had planned for years that I would sing- and I thought I would sing "The Wind Beneath My Wings"- but Uncle George asked me to sing the song I had sung years before at my Aunt Delsa's funeral  "I Walked Today Where Jesus Walked"- at first I was disappointed, but when I got my music out, the first thing I noticed was the inscription across the top  "To Roxanne from Grandma Clark"-  Remembering that she loved to hear me sing this song- the first time I sang it in her ward was in th 70's when I was in high school- I felt an overwhelming sense of "this is the right song"..... I felt her spirit brush my heart again. 

A few days after Grandma passed my Uncle Jack passed away.  He had been ill and in a nursing home for some time, so although it was not a surprise, it was another heart wrenching experience for our family.  My dad will miss his brother, I know.   I was unable to go back for Uncle Jack's funeral as Jim needed me home for a while. 

I was home for 4 days, then on Monday (the day after Mother's Day), my son Brady called saying his Jade was in the hospital.  She was about 32-33 weeks pregnant and her water had broke.  So, into my car I hopped and drove back to Pocatello! 
Poor Jade- for the first couple of days, they kept her from going into labor- pumped her full of steroids to help the baby develop, and antibiotics to stave off infection....she had one bad reaction and had to start another med.... then finally, on Thursday evening, they decided to re-induce her labor.  Hoping the baby's lungs had developed with the aid of the steroids and to reduce the infection risks.   She labored all night and all day Friday.  I've never seen anyone so strong!  Most of Friday as she was having contractions, she was also violently ill and heaving.... Brady was by her side nonstop (as were her parents and I)- and finally, finally, Friday night they realized she was not progressing or dilating, the baby was not dropping and they needed to deliver her by C-Section!  So,  River Inara Lindsay, was born Friday the 13th at 10:30-  She was healthier and bigger than they hoped (4lb 10 oz; 18") and quite quickly was able to breath on her own.  To date, however, she is still in the NICU, waiting for her swallowing/eating to improve and to be able to maintain a healthy body temperature outside the warming beds. 
What a miracle though!  And what a testiment to the circle of life!   I'm sure that River and Grandma Clark had time to visit and I'm sure Grandma was able to give River her love and assurances.  

And me, well I saw my baby boy become a man right in front of my eyes!  It didn't surprise me that he was so loving and tender with Jade all through this, it didn't surprise me that he fell in love with his little daughter instantly-  it just surprised me that sometime without me really noticing, he walked into these really big "man" shoes!  Oh, he's still the same old Brady with the wry sense of humor and all- but he is indeed a man- and a daddy! 

In between & during all this, we had Mother's day with Brooke Anne; and I was able to spend time with Heather & her kids;  and see Donnie & Katie at one of Carter's base ball games;  AND we had a couple of days with Jon and Katrina and their kids (the 14th & 15th after me "rushing" home after River's birth)-  Jon (Jim's oldest son)- was called to be a High Priest and wanted his father to ordain him and knowing how hard it is for Jim to travel, they came here to have it done.  It was a very nice visit.... we are so proud of Jon.  And I (of course) had a blast with the kids....

 

Posted by a Gramma who is completely, utterly exhausted but also completely, utterly happy and at peace!