Boys Will Be Boys! And Oh How Fun!

So- went to spend the weekend with Donnie & Katie and the boys March 24-27.  We had so much fun. I was thoroughly entertained non-stop!  First of all, I got there after bedtime (I went to my niece's dance program in Pocatello first) and Katie had told the boys that they would have a surprise in the morning.  They had NO idea it was Gramma!

Blake was the first to get up- as he walked by the room where I was sleeping he did a double take- grinned from ear to ear and came right in with a good morning hug and we started jabbering away.  He said he thought the surprise was going to be something  like "shoe laces"...?!?!?  How funny, then Carter heard us and came bouncing in! Next was Nash- he jumped right in the middle of Gramma and we all started wrestling around.  Last was Haedon- and he was hilarious!  He glanced in as he sleepily started walking by the door- stopped dead in his tracks- chin dropped, mouth wide open- loudly said "WHAT!?!?" and then he jumped in the middle of Gramma too!  It was a superific way to start our weekend!

Since it was Friday, Blake and Carter had to go to school so I walked them out to the bus.  Then Katie's daycare kids came.  She had a houseful of preschool aged kiddos and one baby! Whew!! She works hard.  So of course Gramma had to play with all the kids.  I told them my name was Gramma Gertie! They were all calling me Gramma or Gramma Gertie instantly. 

When Blake and Carter came home, we had movie night in their basement.  After the movie the three youngest (Carter, Haedon & Nash) were entertaining us with some pretty crazy dancing moves....

As you can see........



Then, after mom and dad went to bed, the party was on... the slumber party that is.  I slept on the couch and the boys all slept all around me!  We giggled and played until we dropped off to sleep.  The next morning Blake and Haedon were the first awake.  I went upstairs for a minute and came down to find them watching cartoons or trying to anyway- looked at the clock and told them it wasn't even 5:00 yet!  We were kinda being silly about it and then Mom (Katie) came down and made us all go back to bed...he he he!

The funny thing is we all fell instantly back to sleep! 

Saturday morning we went to Blake's distrist Pinewood Derby!  I've never been to one where there were so many people (probably because it was district)-  The track was computerized and each boy got to race his car 8 times (2x in each lane)-    I got to see Blake's car twice and he won both times.... (I had to leave to go to Pocatello to get movie tickets from Uncle Brady)-  Blake ended up winning first place in the Webelos- which is really nice since it's his last year in Cub Scouts!  The thing I think I enjoyed most was watching what a good sport he was. He was encouraging to all the other boys and he was one of the best mannered and behaved boys there!    He looks so dang handsome in his uniform too! 

Overall, we had a terrific weekend and I am feeling well loved and well blessed!  I have made a promise to myself (and to my grandkids) to spend a lot more time with them.  I'll be taking turns with all the kids.  I also can't wait for them to come visit here so Grandpa can get in on some of the fun and action! 
One of the hilights of the weekend was sitting in Church- I drew a funny picture of Blake- cartoonish with big grin full of big teeth!  I wrote - "Hi, my name is Blake and my Gramma Wuvs me!"-  Blake grinned at it then wrote something on it (I thought it would be silly or sarcastic)- he wrote, "And I love her too"-  it was one of those moments so precious- made a deep mark in my heart!  He said he was going to save the picture... it will be fun to see if he does!

I took so many pictures - it was hard to pick just a few to blog so I made collages!  This last one is just a bunch of fun pictures..... notice how Blake is being mugged/ganged up on by his brothers! 

(If you look close at Nash's hand (finger) , you'll see what I meant by "very funny Donnie!)  I tell ya!  It's hard enough getting a good/serious picture of Donnie, now he's gonna get the kids in on it?!?!?  ho ho ho!

Anyway- Thanks kids for everything!  I love my family so much and am so grateful for all the joy and love we share.  My cup runneth over with blessings!

(if you click on the pictures, you can see them larger! I'm sure most of you know that- but I just figured it out!)

Posted by Gramma Gertie- with love and happiness!

Spring Has Sprung-Cleaning's Begun-Birthday & Grandkid Fun Fun Fun

Okay- so Spring has NOT really sprung- but I do have a few green leaves and buds in my flower beds and on my rose bushes. 

Last weekend (18th & 19th) Jim's son Justin, his wife Nikki and our two grandsons Tanner and Tyler came to visit.  For an "early birthday" gift to Jim, they helped us with a couple of long overdue projects in the house!

Justin started the decluttering/re-organizing of Jim's gun storage room and make him a built in reloading station.  He re-inforced the shelves so Jim can store whatever he needs or wants in there.  It is amazing how much "junk" you can cram into a space.  We threw away several bags of stuff, took down several plastic shelving units and there is still a lot to do!  But there is room to move around and I think Jim is really going to enjoy it!

Then Nikki decluttered and organized the "toy room"... we have this big bonus room over the garage that has been used  as a catch-all room, guest bedroom and as the play room for the kids.  Over the years we had collected quite a bit of toys in a bunch of rubbermaid type containers and boxes.   She went through the toys and got rid of the broken/destroyed/useless items and all the other stuff that had made it's way up there.  Y'know- that room is quite large and roomy.  We bought some drawer/storage units and separated the toys into the drawers so the kids can play with a drawer ful and hopefully put those toys away before getting out another drawer ful! 

I think my next project up there will be to get some of that "chalkboard paint" and paint a couple of huge squares on the walls for the kids to draw on with chalk.  Also- I've GOT to get some kind of decorations on the walls now... it looks so bare!

I also made a cake to surprise Jim and the boys had a lot of fun helping him with the candles.  I was a little disappointed- I bouth "sparkler" candles and they didn't work very well-  just a couple of splutters here and there!  But the kids loved it!  Especially Tanner- we wrote Happy Birthday Grampa in green - which is Tanner's favorite color.

We had a blast playing with the kids... or rather Tanner and I had a blast playing.  Ty is pretty mellow and he was pretty happy just hanging out with Grampa.  Tanner and I played ball, wrestled, built a castle, bowled, and played "Zombies"--  they have a computer game called Plants Vs. Zombies which Tanner loves, but I do think he loved role playing it with Gramma way more!  One of us would be a Zombie- coming after the other one saying "BRAINS--BRAINS!"-  we used balls as the peashooters to kill each other-- but Tanner was a good Zombie, he made it to Gramma several times and ate my brains...hee hee!

It really was a fabulous weekend and hopefully we can share more with them and with our other kids and grandkids.  It's really great when they come here as Jim can't travel much yet he SO loves to see them! 

I took so many pictures I couldn't decide what to post- so I made a few collages and here they are!  Wonderful, wonderful memories!



The boys hangin' out with Grampa & Gramma



Here are just a very few of the fun pictures of the boys playing.

I didn't realize how much bigger this room is now that it is organized!  Nikki did a super

job - she is superwoman when it comes to cleaning and organizing!  

I can't show you all of Jim's gun room (for security reasons at his request)-

 but here is the reloading station Justing set up.  

We feel so blessed by all our children and grandchildren.  We have a wonderful family- we share a wonderful life- if we could change anything it would be Jim's health and we can't wait for this crazy economy to pick back up so we can sell our house and move to Pocatello to be closer to everyone!

Posted by a tired out Gramma  (who's setting out tomorrow to see more grandkids!) with love.

Pondering Agency- My Choices- My Life- "And All is Well"

I can remember a time, when my children were young, and it was the week for High Council speakers at church some of the people I knew would refer to it at "dry council" Sunday.  We would all laugh and go to church, spending most of the Sacrament meeting time trying to keep our kids occupied and/or quiet.  I always felt so blessed as mine for the most part were very reverent.  Good thing, as I had my hands full keeping Brooke Anne from totally disrupting the meeting.  We had wonderful wards though and she was accepted just as she is.

Anyway- today was High Council day. I am now in the stage of life where I thoroughly enjoy these men and the wisdom and love and inspiration with which they speak.  Both speakers talked about agency; choice; and how these gifts shape our lives. I took notes (I actually do that now quite often at church as was suggested by our Stake President a few months ago) and as I listened and jotted my thoughts down,  I had an epiphany- which I will share in a minute.

First of all I want to share some of what was said.  Regarding choice-choice, or agency, is a gift that we were given not only in this life, but even before we came here.  Lucifer was not cast out because of his plan, but rather he "chose" to rebel when his plan was rejected by the Father.  On the other hand, Jesus "chose" to be the Savior.  He was not forced- He chose.  I don't think I ever quite looked at it in that light before.  Then all of us "chose" which path we would take.  In the scriptures we are taught that God will force no soul to Heaven...  God is deeply serious about human joy and He has given us all we need to make righteous choices; the Holy Ghost, our families, prayer, the scriptures... many tools are at our hands.    Yet agency is not an easy thing.. we refer to those first choices as the "war in Heaven"- and as such, we are fighting our own war here each day as make choices... some minor every day choices and some choices with eternal consequences. 

The second speaker talked about the three "R's" of choice:   1- Right of choice- we were all given the right to make our own choices... it is an unconditional gift.   2- Responsibility- with this gift comes great responsibility to make clear, righteous choices if we want to return to Heavenly Father.  3- Results- each choice comes with it's results or consequences.  Analogy- a stick is like choice and consequence...you cannot pick up just one end of it, once you pick it up you are stuck with both the choice and the consequence.  Some consequences may require hard work to overcome, repentance. Some consequences will bring eternal joy.

So anyway, as I said- in the midst of these talks and writing down my thoughts, I had this epiphany.  I have long lamented that choices made by others took away my choices.  I felt cheated- specifically when Donovan and Kris made their choices and it completely changed the path of my life and the lives of my children.  As I have worked through this over the years, I have tried to live the best I can and yet no matter what I felt like I had failed at the most important duty we are given... family and marriage.   Oh I knew that I could still live the gospel and even  have found joy beyond what I ever imagined...I have long forgiven them and accept that I will always love them both... I just couldn't shake this niggling feeling of failure. Then today, like a beautiful flower slowly opening, or a cloud lighting up with beautiful colors, my mind and heart were filled with this message.   Yes- others made choices that affected my life- but I CAN still choose the right myself and by doing so, I have not failed.  I can't really begin to put into words how this message came to me ... it was like a gentle, yet soul shaking carress or whispered shout.... direct spirit to spirit communication from Heavenly Father to me.  Even now as I type this I have tears welling up as my heart and spirit swell again with confirmation and I hear the sounds of the song  "All is Well" from a CD Mike gave me when we got engaged.  I wish I could put that song on my playlist here, but alas it is not offered in the program (at least I can't find it).  I have not felt this, this magnitude of spirit communication since I was in the temple and was given answers regarding Brooke Anne.  Here I am, this very common, everyday person... and yet God has blessed me with these magnanimous moments of comfort, joy and answered some of my deepest questions and fears.  "And All is Well".... 

So now I carry this into my everyday life and I have some choices to make.  First of all I am choosing to work even harder on forgiving, to pray more ferventy and more often and for my own spirit as well as for those who I have worked to forgive.  I am going to express my gratitude more deeply and more often for the people in my life that bring such joy and love and blessings....  And. I am choosing to get over my feelings of failure and accept myself as I am...   "And All is Well" 

In closing tonight- I just have to mention the love and joy I have with Jim.  I love him- with all he has to suffer and go through, he is amazing.  His love for me and my children fills me with gratitude.... especially his love and acceptance for Brooke Anne.   She loves him so......  "And All is Well"....

Posted by a soul humbled and grateful for the love of Heavenly Father and Jesus and all I have been blessed with.

Oh How I Lo-ove To Sing!

This fall I joined the Boise Master Chorale (now known as Boise Philharmonic Master Chorale). We have around 100 singers! It has been such an amazing experience. I have missed singing with Camerata so much since moving from Pocatello... and although I don't quite have the same bond of love and friendship as Camerata (more like a family to me than anything)- it is delightful sharing classical music with such an awesome choir. Our director is the director of choirs at Boise State University and he is really, really good. He is fun and I am learning so much from him. I just adored Scott Anderson, the director of Camerata, I didn't know how it would be singing for another director. But it is just as musically fulfilling and he is just as fun. I haven't gotten into the tradition of going out to a restaurant/club each week following practice as a big group of members do- it's kinda hard since I live about 20 miles away. Not like going to Buddy's each week after Camerata.


This is the back wall of the Balcony at the Methodist Church in Boise, The Cathedral of The Rockies where we performed with the Boise Baroque Orchestra today. All the windows in the building were beautiful and acoustics were fabulous. After each number the hall just rang - practically breathed with the sound.

I have been thinking today about my love of music. I'm not an avid, educated musician- I know tons of music but couldn't really tell you the names or composers like some people can. I just know I have been blessed with this love that is so deep and so resonant in my heart and soul. A friend once asked me how I could "stand" opera music or classical music and I tried to explain but he just didn't get it. How do you verbally explain the visceral warmth and swelling of your heart to this music to someone who doesn't feel it and probably never will? I told him listening or participating in classical music or opera filled my whole being with joy....

I believe some people were created and destined to compose amazing, eternally enduring music- such as Handel's Messiah, and some of us were created and blessed with the pure love and ability to soak in that music - to let that music define the color of our hearts and spirits.

I also believe that though we lovers of music may not ever gain notoriety or fame- we are so much more blessed (and thankful) for this gift than the world may ever know. I believe that some of us were there, singing with the angels to herald the birth of Christ. I believe we will be singing again in heaven among the angels and the great composers of all times.

I see this love of music in my children- they may have different musical taste in some ways, but they too have been blessed with spirits open to the message and peace of music. I like to imagine us singing side by side at Christ's birth and through eternity.

Here are a few more of the pictures Jim took today- I was hoping for a picture of the entire choir and orchestra, but here's what we got... (my sweet husband does not take the best pictures, but at least he is there, always loving and supporting me.... in fact tonight when I thanked him again for being there he got quite emotional (teary) and told me how much he loves seeing me living my dream)....

This is me and a friend from choir. Her name is Carol and she just came up and asked us to take a picture with her. She's really nice and interesting. She has shared some really cool stuff about her heritage... some personal writings and items. I just love her! I am glad to be her friend (a couple of the ladies are not very nice to her... they are obviously wealthy and a little uppity, but I'm sure they'll come around....)

This next picture is one Jim took during a part where I and about 5 other ladies were singing. It was a part for "a few, angelic voices".... I was pretty excited to be one of the angels.... we all know how I LOVE angels!

These last couple of pictures show a little more of the group and a little of the orchestra.... and

a little more of the beauty of the building.

I want all my children and grandchildren to know that a big part of me is the love of music... and it is my fervent hope that they all develop that love and they are able to experience the pure joy of music in their lives.

posted by a "singing Gramma"

Growing "Older" Pains...

So this past week has been a bit challenging. Jim had a physical for the first time in years (the first since we've been married)- Yeah, he sees pain doctors all the time and has been in for colds and "stuff"- but this was an actual physical.

He also had a sleep study done, recommended by his pain care doctor because he has basically exhausted all sleep aids/medicines to no avail.

The major things we have found so far is that his cholesterol is sky high (no surprise for all of us who know and love him)... he LOVES his junk food! He's seeing our primary doctor about that tomorrow.

Then, the sleep study showed two things going on with him. First of all his oxygen is dangerously low. He will be getting some oxygen to use within the next couple of days. Second- he averages 50 apnea episodes an hour when he is "sleeping".... (you call THAT sleeping!?).... so he will be fitted with a CPap machine. Guess we'll look like twinners when we sleep...he he. His and Hers sleep hoses!

Anyway- all this has made me look at our lives and how we eat and what we do and we have both decided it is past time to work on our health. I have already started back on the NutriSystem diet that was so successful for me before with my doctor's complete support and blessing! Jim is working on cutting back a little at a time. I'm sure after he sees our doctor tomorrow he will be told he'll have to make some major dietary changes. He eats a lot of candy and ice cream and not much meat or protein. He likes tacos, pizza, potatoes... you know all that stuff that we should be avoiding. (Me?- I love hamburgers, pasta, and fried chicken... gonna hafta give 'em up though)-- we'll only allow ourselves to indulge once in a great while. At least that is the plan. Jim is already struggling.... but we'll keep working on it. We have so many grandchildren and such wonderful family---we want to make our lives as quality and LONG as possible!

On a different note... we had ward conference today and I swear the Stake Presidency talks were aimed right at me! They were wonderfully moving and inspiring. I am making it a goal to "dive back into my spirituality" --- read the scriptures more--- pray more consistently--- and work to become the me I am meant to be! I think I have gotten a little lazy about spirituality- kinda riding along on my testimony without really working at it. I have truly been blessed in my life and I want to dedicate more time and effort and thought to showing my gratitude to my Heavenly Father.

The RS president asked about my dad today and about Brooke and about Jim and she said she is amazed that I stay so cheerful with all that is going on... and I realized that I really have been blessed with an ability to be cheerful and see the positive. This is a gift given to me following a long road of trials and challenges and not saying I still don't get down or have negative thoughts or feelings from time to time, but overall I AM happy. And THAT is truly what life is about. I love life! This has been a kind of epiphany- this realization of the joy that is in my heart and soul. I remember a time thinking I would never feel joy or happiness again... and praying so hard for Heavenly Father's guidance and patience.... and He has blessed me... I think it has been happening a little at a time for several years now and it just took me a while to understand and recognize the work of His hands.

And what better stage of life to recognize such joy than this stage of being a gramma.... I grew up thinking I was born to be a mom and oh how I have loved being a mom, but being a gramma is a whole new world and I absolutely LOVE IT!

My two oldest grandchildren- Blake and Mikey (a few years ago) We have older ones on Jim's side- but these were the first two in my life- they're only a couple months apart in age and their coming into my life changed my outlook and my heart in ways I could never imagine! Love you to pieces boys!!! Love ALL the grandkids to pieces!!

Well- 'til next week.... posted by a grateful gramma and daughter of Heavenly Father.

On The Lighter Side.....

So- my last post was a little heavy so for today I'm just going to post a bunch of random pictures from the events of the past few months... or at least going back to Christmas. It's been fun going through my pictures and relishing the life moments I've had and shared with so many.



This first one is just from last night... I had been putting off doing anything with my hair for a while because I was first- not wanting to spend the money to go to a salon and second- afraid of what I might end up with. I mean over the last couple few years I've had everything from silver blonde to bright red to neon yellow to brown... and the only one that was on purpose was the brown! It seemed to be more of what my natural/roots wanted to be, but I just don't feel like me with brown hair. And it really doesn't make me look any more like my daughters like I hoped it would... So, when I got out the color last night (actually Jim had bought for me a couple of months ago)- I just figured what the heck! About the only thing it could do to surprise me would be to turn green or something. But lo and behold! It actually turned out the color I was hoping for (and had tried for many times). So, hopefully if I use this color each time it will work out.



Last week we had a girls' get together. My sister-in-law, Barb invited me to join this circle of friends for crafts and lunches when I first moved to Nampa. Our numbers have slightly dwindled as a couple of ladies moved out of state- but we still manage to get together pretty much every month. We draw names for Christmas, celebrate all our birthdays and do crafts at each other's houses off and on. This month we celebrated the baby of the group's birthday. Cheryl (she's the brunette on the left side). Her sister was here from Texas (the blonde behind her) and then there's Barb, me, Leslie and Marcia. We were missing one lady that still lives here but we had a blast. Went to a place called Tucano's Brazilian Grill. This group of ladies has been so fun and just welcomed me into their circle with arms and hearts wide open.

This next picture is of me and some of the young women from my ward. Last winter they did an "adopted grandma" project and I was one of the adoptees. Oh how my kids got a kick out of that.. and yes, I was actually the youngest adopted Grandma but it has been a blast. They come around every once in a while to check in with us Grandma's and we have been invited to a couple of dinners with them at church. They even asked me to sing at their last Standards night. I love these girls so much. The girl on the far right has become like another daughter to me. She and her sister and dad let me sit with them at church when Jim is at home so I don't have to be alone. I am a pretty happy grandma- these girls are like a bonus on top of my 29 grandkids!

I don't very often get to the grandkids birthdays.... so I either mail them something or take something on my closest trip to their birthdays. I asked Mikey if he wanted me to mail him something or wait until I came to visit and he decided to wait for next visit. I went to Poky with Barb to do some things for our mother-in-law and took Mikey out shopping and to eat. When I asked him where he'd like to eat he said "BUDDY'S"! I was thrilled as that happens to be one of my favorite places in Pocatello. So we get there and he orders a WHOLE salad... hee hee! 'Course we took a lot of leftover salad home with us! He loved his toy and we had fun... the best part for me was when he said, "Gramma, I really love the toy you bought me, but I love YOU more!"---

A few weeks ago I went to Bear Lake to see my parents and my grandma. Every time I see my grandma I am in awe. She is over 101 years old!!! And just look at how beautiful she is. I have been asked if I know her secret and I always answer it is the pure love in her heart and her pure spirit. She radiates gentle love and peace and has all my life. I know she won't be here much longer, but oh- I just don't think I'll ever be ready for her to go. I have strived all my life to live up to the person she and my grandpa thought I could be... maybe someday I'll get there. I only know that I would not be who I am without the love and guidance they gave me.

Christmas this year was a blast---- was a journey of work, worry, fun, and love. We have so many kids (10 with 8 of them married and 1 with a serious girlfriend) and so many grandkids- 29 (will be 30 this June)--- that we have to plan/buy/save for Christmas pretty much year round. We have a deal that I get to buy for the grown up girls and Jim gets to buy for the boys- but this year (and last year) Jim had to get his part in with the girls. But that's okay, cause I pretty much pick out for the grandkids although he's right there giving his approval. I am pretty proud of myself- these last two Christmases I have stayed right in the budget Jim set and we haven't charged for over two years now. (I surely do struggle cause if I could I would probably spend hundreds on each grandkid...(((sigh))) oh well, at least I don't have to budget how much love I give them!

I tried to get pictures of all the gifts under the tree before we went to Pocatello, but it was hard! I think I got most of them in these two pictures though.

We got some huge stuffed animals for a bunch of the grandkids...some of the older ones, especially the boys got games or transformers. Then I put some treats and trinkets in some small stockings for each of them. It was great fun! The grownup boys got ammo from Jim and the grownup girls got ornaments, fuzzy socks, mini all-in-one tools and odds and ends from me.

This is Molly with one of the stuffed animals... a pink pig with a baby pig! She loved it!

Some of the grandkids on Jim's side made up a little Christmas skit to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Led by Eliza- she make the sign and made noses, antlers and tails for all the participants. It was so dang cute.

Ya gotta love this sign she made!

This is Eliza - modeling the antlers and nose she made. So clever for a second grader!

This is one of my favorite pictures of Christmas. Jim looking so happy and relaxed with Carter and Scooter! The traveling is so hard on him- but he ignores the pain as much as possible so he can enjoy the kids and grandkids!

I took Brooke Anne to see my folks. It had been so long since she got to see her Granny and Grampa! She was so good, but before the visit was over she started getting sick. (You can tell in this picture)... but she loved on them and kissed them and munched on their goodies of course! I'm so glad she got to see them- I'm especially glad my grandma got to see her if only for a few minutes. (by the time we got to Grandma Clark's she was really feeling bad and just wanting to stay in the car and sleep).

This picture is another one of my favorites. Molly just came over to me and leaned on my knee. She said I love you Gramma and then I snapped this picture. It is so very precious to me. I love all my grandkids so much and these moments are truly the best!

I got to have breakfast with Brady and his girlfriend Jade and his "best buddy" April. Jade is having his baby and they are so very happy together. I told them I found some pink fleece with skulls on it and could make them a baby blanket.... they laughed. Jade said their baby was going to be really confused between them... cause Jade loves rainbows and Brady loves black..... so it will be a fun, fun journey- yes?

Jade on the left with "rainbow" hair, Brady in middle, and April on the right.

Okay- this last picture was a must-post! Seriously, I think it will be important for my posterity to see exactly what kind of grandmother I really am! sooooooooooo- drum rollllllll...............


get ready............................................. keep scrolling down....................

it's............................................ ROBO GRAMMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

posted by a crazy-lovin'-grateful- mom and gramma!!!

Forgiving and Forgetting - a work in progress

So, I promised myself to blog every Sunday and here I am not prepared with any fun pictures or anything.... but I have been thinking a lot about the hard work involved in forgiving and forgetting. Through scripture research, soul search, prayer and much pondering and referring to the wise words of Bill McKee (my wonderful friend and counselor) I came to realize the following.
First of all- forgiving does not mean condoning or accepting the behavior of another. I was stuck for a long time thinking if I forgave the ones who had so deeply betrayed and hurt me and my children that I was somehow letting myself and my sense of truth and righteousness down. Looking at it now, I am amazed what a grip the adversary had on my heart - through trickery and using my own sense of right and wrong. Also- it is not necessary to wait for an apology (that may never come) to forgive someone. And it is true- after diligently seeking and praying to forgive I did finally reach a point where there is peace in my heart. I have learned to pray in love and compassion for those who I needed to forgive. I found it is impossible to harbor anger and hurt towards someone I was praying for. I have been blessed with the ability to accept that I love these people regardless of all that happened and I am a much happier person because I have accepted that.
This may seem simple to a lot of people, but when you are in the midst of despair and pain, you can loose sight of the simple principles. It is at these times we need to lean heavily on the love of our Savior and Heavenly Father in order to work through it all.
Next- forgetting doesn't mean "forgetting" . I was really stuck on this one... I mean, how do you forget? The way we forget is by learning to live well in spite of the pain or betrayal. We forget by not holding onto the anger and hurt. Yes, these experiences, this pain will always be a part of who we are, but we can live beyond the bad stuff by taking stock of the joy and all the blessings we are granted. This came to me in a sweet moment of personal revelation and it was as though a great weight lifted off my shoulders. My heart sang with joy when I found that I could forgive and that I could forget in the sense of living my life as well as I possibly can.
Now- once I achieved my goal to forgive I thought I was home free... oh so wrong! Forgiving is a continual work in progress. It is easy to let a moment of doubt or a perceived slight send you spiraling right back down into pain and despair...and resentment. The first time it hit me (after thinking I had finally been able to forgive and move on)- my heart sank and I despaired that I was somehow doomed to be this sad-angry-hurt person forever. Then again, through prayer and beseeching the Lord, I found the sweet sense of forgiveness and realized that just because you overcome or accomplish something once doesn't mean you can fall back and let that carry you. Being Christ-like, being a person of joy and love and forgiveness is something that takes constant work, dedication and a lot of "self-talk"... as Bill used to say, "change the tape in your head"... and believe me, that old Satan will constantly hammer at those tender spots in your heart and spirit-I can go along for a year or so thinking I'm in this great place and WHAM!- something happens that brings it all boiling up again- these are the times I turn to Heavenly Father on my knees asking for His forgiveness and guidance so I can find my peace again.... and I am reminded of one of my favorite songs that says--- we should be more gentle with ourselves- accept that we are on a mortal journey and when we slip a little, the hand of the Savior is just a prayer away.
Finally, I know that I want to live with joy and I want to deserve the forgiveness and compassion of others towards me, and to achieve that how can I myself not be forgiving and compassionate towards others? And so my goal in life is to be a "bringer of joy" and to extend love (and forgiveness when necessary) to all. After all- we are all God's children- yes? It's up to Him to judge- up to us to love.
Bye til next week! :)